Goodbyes

I've informed my boss, my roommates, and my director (in that order) of my decision to leave the program early.
All the conversations went well, but I also think it hasn't completely set in yet, for me, or for them. Shannon wants to discuss my leaving at our community meeting tomorrow night. I'm a little anxious.
This is difficult... though I suppose that's a pretty strong characteristic of transition.
One door closing means another is opening, which translates for me to "I'm moving to Washington soon." Whew. I'm excited to start doing life with Markus again, but also a bit anxious about the move, finding a job, etc.
It will certainly be a fun adventure. I'll be glad to be doing it with my partner.

A nice Sunday

I looooove my roommates.

(Steph, Nicole, me, Cassie, Amber)

Unfortunately the only picture I have of all of us is from a couple months ago.
They're cute though, and I love them.

Today was nice. Nicole and I went to church at Cedar Ridge (I love it there! Love it love it love it!) Leslie came, which was a nice addition. :) I talked with my wife for a while, then with my (future) husband for a few hours! Woot. Then I said, okay, time to be "available" so I opened up my door and started crafting.



A couple cards I made.


While I was crafting, Cassie and Nicole came in for a couple hours and hung out. We chatted, I crafted, Cassie lesson-planned, Nicole crafted too, and it was very nice.

If every day were Saturday...

I'm at work. You wouldn't know it though. If you took away my surroundings and just saw my actions, you might think I was at home.
There are a lot of reasons this is incredibly unfortunate.
For example:
- If I were at home I could be wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. Instead I'm wearing polyester pants, uncomfortable shoes, and two short-sleeved tops because for some reason (ie. I'm poor) I don't own a single long-sleeved shirt that's appropriate for work (meaning I have 2 long-sleeved t-shirts, and one of them is from 8th grade).
- Also, if I were at home I wouldn't feel guilty doing enjoyable things to fill the time like reading, knitting, and making cards. I don't think it would go over to well if I brought my crafting items to work.
- Not having work to do isn't fun. It's boring. And I also feel like my co-workers are getting irritated with my lack of productivity. But it's not my fault. Really.
- I cannot possibly get as much as I intended to from this year if I'm not actually doing something, which makes me want to not be here. Why be in Baltimore away from family, away from Markus, not making any money if I'm not gaining much from the experience?
- My boss thinks that a good way for me to fill my time is to create a resource manual. While creating a resource manual seems like a fine thing to do in between doing "direct service," I don't think it's appropriate that it be the only thing I'm doing.

Complain, complain, complain.
Yeah, I know.

well?

I'm feeling funky this morning.
Not funky fresh.
Not funky fun.
Just funky.

I can't figure out why, but I have the feeling that something happened to cause this. Three things come to mind, yet still I'm not sure if any are the real culprit.
1. intense chronic pain. it's been probably the worse it's ever been for the past week. it's enough to make anyone go crazy.
2. talking to the guy from christ house last night at the volunteer fair. :(
3. maybe i had a weird dream.

Breathe Deeply into Us

O unwearying One
who stalks us down all our days,
bring us up short, now,
and breathe deeply into us
for we come breathless to you
from fretful times and frangible relations,
our attention distracted,
our energy drained,
our intentions splintered,
our love glazed over,
our hopes unmet,
our faith frayed.

Still, we gasp to thank you
for this undeniable impulse
to thank you,
for this insistent yearning
to know you,
for this throbbing desire
to love you back;
for this quick, trembling,
sensuous sense of all your gifts
showered like rain on lives
long parched by inattention:
bread to empower our bodies,
beauty to quicken our pulse,
night to show off the stars
and put us in our awesome place,
problems to summon our talents,
love to link our lives,
laughter to nurse our wounds,
passion to shape our maybes
into a brighter day for
the whole human family;
and for this mystical, magical moment
of peace and shimmering power,
of grace and prophetic stretch,
in which you work the miracles
of gladdening our hearts yet again,
in spite of painful patches,
sobering losses, and puzzling trails;
of balming our souls with a touch of joy
because we are,
and are yours,
and you are forever;
of heeding our prayers beyond our words
in the spirit of Jesus. Amen.

Ted Loder


At the start of our community night tonight, Shannon grabbed a book of prayers off the shelf and opened up to one 'randomly'. It's amazing how much this prayer spoke to my life right now.

Another first

Today I went to the hospital to visit a couple of our patients who have been admitted recently. This was my first experience with a person who is very sick with AIDS. I went with my co-worker, Shirley, who is an amazing woman, a great teaching tool, and a wonderful success story. I just know I'm going to learn so much from her. Being with our patient flooded me with emotion. His CD4+ count is at 18. A count of 500 is pretty good. Dropping below 200 moves you from HIV to AIDS defined. Right now, he is a very sick man. "Right now" because as Shirley taught me, "You may have HIV, but just remember, HIV doesn't have you." I wanted to cry right there because of his suffering, but I also wanted to cry because of the hope that Shirley gives our patients. When she told him about her experience, his eyes truly lit up. Today was hard, but also nice to be someone who will care for this beautiful man that society has rejected.

bravery

I had an interesting breakthrough at work today.
I'll blog about it tomorrow.

Love.

i should have been asleep hours ago

It's late. I need to go to bed. I spent a little more than an hour tonight messing with the house computer, just trying to get it to work. I ended up uninstalling Norton antivirus, installing Avast, and restarting quite a few times. It seems to be doing better now. It's way past my bedtime.

I just wanted to let you know that everything is great. This is a super busy, super full week of orientation, but I'm really enjoying nearly every minute of it. The Sisters of Bon Secours are amazing, and all of the Bon Secours programs that we have seen this week are just incredible. It's so hard for me to believe that a few nuns can make so much change. Tomorrow we are visiting the site where I will be working, so I'll update on that when I know more.
I'm living in a neighborhood called Sowebo, which is right on the line between "bad city" and "good city." It will be really interesting and exciting to become a part of this neighborhood.
The girls I'm living with are all great. Shannon, who is our director, is also just amazing.

Now I'm going to bed.

Here's a reason why I love him

Let me tell you, it really sucks to have your boyfriend go into the Army. Especially if you don't know when you'll be able to see him again. Maybe September! Maybe Christmas! Maybe February or March!
Last night I cried a lot and ate a whole bag of chocolate covered pretzels from the Ritz in one sitting. This seemed like not the best way to cope, so this evening I decided to try to pack my apartment and drink mojitos. One half of a mojito later, I called my sister to see if she would go see Knocked Up with me. I'd heard it's really funny, and being at my apartment alone just wasn't helping the situation. She said no, that she had to study (for her GRE's), so I texted Markus to see if he wanted to go. This is a funny little (and maybe a bit masochistic) game we've come up with where we pretend we're not apart.
Well, my freakin' awesome boyfriend said YES! So we both rushed to catch the 7 o' clock show (mine started about 15 minutes late), and were able to watch a movie 'together'. It was great fun, and we're hoping to do it again sometime soon, but this time probably with a rental so we can talk more and make sure we've got the timing right.
Thanks babe.

In other news, I just checked my email and had my first group email from Bon Secours. It looks like Nicole, Stephanie, and Cassie are the other volunteers, though the email mentions that one more will probably be joining the group. Getting that email definitely made this seem more real, and I'm both very excited and very nervous. I really do think it's going to be a great year.

Ta Da!

Both interviews yesterday went really well. The second ended with Kim saying she would send me an invitation to the program which I have two weeks to sign and return!
Yay.

Talking to Jen and Kim today was great. For a few months I've just felt like there was a curtain separating the months of July and August, and because I couldn't see past it, I was scared and worried. I felt confident that I would be doing service, but I was worried that as a result of my procrastination/difficult semester I wouldn't be in the right place. But talking to them yesterday made a lot of things clear.
First, the curtain has been lifted. I know that August 20, I'm going to be in Baltimore, Maryland.
Second, I know (sort-of) the kind of work I'll be doing, and it sounds really great. I'm so excited. More on that later.
Third, the program itself sounds really wonderful. Because they're small (about 4-6 volunteers/year) they are able to be much more flexible than, say, VSC. I'll be allowed to go home for holidays, have visitors, and take time off to visit med schools! Woot!

Here's some more awesome stuff.... now I'm just bragging:

• Our 'house' is the third floor of a former convent. As such, everyone will have their own bedroom. Also, there is a courtyard out back with picnic tables and a grill!!!! (I cannot stand living in the city and not having any grass to lay in.)
  
• I'll be living 3 blocks away from the University of Maryland Baltimore campus (the law, med schools, etc.) and Bon Secours purchases gym passes from the university for all interested volunteers.
  
• We live about 30 minutes from the Sisters of Bon Secours provincial house in Marriottsville. We can go there whenever we want (like to get away for a weekend, etc.). The house is on 300 acres in the country which backs up to a national forest that has hiking trails. The property also has a pond, a labryinth, and an in-ground swimming pool. Tehehe.
  

• My job will include doing case management for Ryan White Programs about 40% of the time. This means I get to interview patients, do biopsychosocial assessment, make sure people keep up with their appointments and adhere to their treatment plans, etc.
  
• The other 60% can be tailored to what I'm interested in and may include working with doctors and hospitals to find patients with HIV a primary care physician, working in the wound care and specialty center, and shadowing a doctor once a week, among other things.
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• It won't let me stop bulleting. That's funny. I still don't know how to use blogger.
  
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• Today is our last day in Edmonton. It's been a really fun vacation, but I'm definitely ready to go home. I haven't hung out with my friends or family in a long time.

Oh hey, it just stopped. Weird.

I think this vacation has seemed longer than it really is because I've been trying to drag it on in my mind. When we get home everything will start moving again, and then it will only be 5 days before Markus leaves for Armyland. I really can't even deal with it. Every time I allow myself to think of it for more than 1.5 minutes, I start crying. So, time's up. Buhbye.

Baltimore is humid

I have two interviews tomorrow. The first is with Jen, the director of the Ryan White Programs, and the second is with Kim, the volunteer director of Bon Secours. I'm figuring everything will go well. If it does (and I really hope it does, or I'm pretty screwed), I'll be in Baltimore this coming August. I Wikipediaed Baltimore yesterday and found out that it's hot and humid in the summer. Damn. (This makes my hair completely unmanageable and I end up looking just like I did in 4th grade... frizzy messybun and a giant greasy forehead.) Just what I was trying to get away from. And it has winter. Double damn. When I was fighting my way to class through the ice, snow, and wind this April, I thought, "Oh boy! This might be my last winter for a few years!" No such luck. It looks like it doesn't get as cold as Erie though, so that's good. Now the only thing I have to worry about is the homicide rate that is seven times the national average. Yeah....

Anyway, peace out.

Entering real life

I forgot to mention something in my last post.
I'm about 99% sure that I'm going to be volunteering in Baltimore with Bon Secours beginning in August. I have a couple interviews next week, but the lady that I have been corresponding with said that barring any crazy circumstances like my references coming out terribly, I'm 100% sure to get in. Yeaaaah!
I'll know more next week after my interviews, but it looks like I'm going to be working with the Ryan White Program. The woman in charge of the program gave this description, "Duties could include community development and education projects, assistance with efforts to locate and apply for new grants (including coming up with new projects for providing services), client interviewing and bio-psychosocial assessment, and assisting clients with whatever the need help with."
It's not as medically-intensive as I was hoping for, but I think it will be great to be able to still work with patients and doctors. Also, I'm excited because Mason will be in NYC, and we were afraid that we'd never see each other after he left for school and I left for volunteering/med school.
Anyway, it's not for sure, but it's for pretty sure, so I though I'd let you know.