I'm not really happy here.
I know that I need to transform my mindset or else this will be a terrible year. I know. And I'm sure I will. (I'm pretty sure I said the same thing about camp, which helps affirm me that it will happen.) But seriously.
I don't like living in the 'city.' In quotes because I suspect I would feel differently if we lived in a different part of the city.
I'm sick of being called "white girl." Yeah, it's weird to be the minority. But it's not just race. Race isn't a big deal to me. Besides my roommates, I'm the only 20-something I interact with.
I'm sick of watching my every step to make sure a discarded needle doesn't puncture a hole through my shoe. Through me.
I'm sick of people having no respect for themselves, for others, for their environment. Every day my clients tell me, "I'm going to stop using." Then they tell me the same thing the next week. And the next.
Today I was walking down a street near where I work and I truly couldn't believe the amount of trash on the grass next to the sidewalk. It's across from a methadone clinic, so a lot of people stand there to smoke or hang out or whatever, but there was a trash can literally 10 feet away. The city where I live has no hope. So people don't care about themselves or their world.
I miss parks that are safe to lie down in.
I miss being able to see for miles.
I miss tree-covered landscapes.
I miss dirt roads.
I miss the way people from small towns acknowledge each other.
I miss going to convenience stores that you can wander around in. (The ones here only allow you to enter a portioned-off front section. The rest of the store is behind a wall of bullet-proof glass.)
I miss feeling like I'm home.
I miss Markus.
I miss my mom. And gramma. And papa.
And the list goes on.
What to do, dear reader? What to do?
2 comments:
There are lots of sirens going by right now. Maybe you hear them too. Then we are hearing sirens together.
Chin up :)
Hang in there, Hannah. I know it'd draining to be surrounded by people and places that have lost hope. But you are offering hope back to them. That's a tremendous thing to do for anyone. Maybe it won't work, and they won't take it -- you can't make people care about themselves. But if they never see anyone care about them, how will they ever change?
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